I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
