i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Drunk is not a location!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
