I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
