i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
