Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
