dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
