No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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