I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
