Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
