did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Please don't give away my fajitas
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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