I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
