I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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