I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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