That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
