Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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