im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
