College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
