and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
