Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
