U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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