Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
