He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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