At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
