Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
