saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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