Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
