So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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