My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
