apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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