Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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