I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
