Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
