i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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