Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
