I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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