i think my mom watched the whole time
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
