Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
