So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
