i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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