Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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