do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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