i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
