3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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