if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
