My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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