dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
