my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
