If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
