Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
God, I missed his penis.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
