I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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