We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
