There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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