the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
