please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
