Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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